To get it out of the way immediately, this post intends no disrespect or harm to either the AA philosophy or to the many people for whom it has been life-enhancing. But ...

   Yes, but ...

   I wonder if there are others who have felt AA to be less than completely helpful and healing? I find that I can only tolerate about two meeting per month because I usually leave feeling so shitty about myself that it takes a couple of weeks to build up my confidence and courage to go back again. The emphasis on personal flaws, failings and faults, the insistence on breaking down the puffed-up, over-confident ego, the dogmatic assertion that only after the admission of helplessness and powerlessness can the person struggling with addiction begin to make any progress, it all just makes me feel even more damaged and worthless, more shamed  and shameful, more hopeless.

   I recently discovered a book called One Journey, Many Roads: Beyond the Twelve Steps by the Quaker feminist psychologist Charlotte Kasl. She makes the point that people who have been systemically oppressed by social and religious forces, in order to better control them and/or exploit them, often have very low self-esteem. She then comments there she finds that it is reprehensible and unhelpful to tell the victims of social and religious  oppression, or family abuse and violence,  that it is their own fault that they feel so worthless and despairing all the time that they resort to the use of substances (from doughnuts to crystal meth) or other self-destructive behaviours (from sex to aggression) in order to survive.

   Makes sense to me. I am never going to say that powerless ever again. Alcohol is not powerful, cunning and baffling. That the continuing power of the self-loathing I constantly feel, which I learned from the hell-fire and damnation sermons I had to listen to all my childhood, that that feeling of been damaged and worthless is still so powerful; so powerful that sometimes only a 6- (or 12-) pack of beer can make me feel numb enough, quickly enough to endure, that is what is baffling in its power and cunning. The way my own mind sabotages me. But I don't think taking stock of my "moral flaws" will help me out of that pit. Sometimes it seems to me that I've spent my whole life doing nothing but taking stock of my failings and flaws and sins. It hasn't been helpful.

   So, I've decided that I will never say that I'm powerless again, not ever, not even in the hidden corners of my mind in its darkest moments. What I need is to learn how to take control of my life; how to empower my best self; how to reconnect with the sense of belonging to the universe and feeling at home here. I need to feel empowered, not weak and helpless.

   Apologies for the long spiel. Maybe once a Baptist, always a Baptist; if so, sorry about the sermonizing tone. I just hope some of you will be able to see past that.

   Dr. Kasl suggests instead these 16 steps as helpful in moving from addiction through recovery to true healing:

16 STEPS toward EMPOWERMENT

(from addiction through recovery to health)

1. We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and to stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.  

2. We come to believe that the original goodness of reality awakens the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to that power.    

3. We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.    

4. We examine our beliefs, addictions and dependent behaviour in the context of living in a hierarchical, patriarchal culture.    

5. We share with another person and the universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt.    

6. We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths and creativity, remembering not to hide these qualities from others and ourselves.    

7. We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behaviour that keeps us from loving and compassionate action toward others and ourselves.    

8. We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way.  

9. We express love and gratitude to others and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life and the blessings we do have.    

10. We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know and we feel what we feel.    

11. We promptly admit to mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.    

12. We seek out situations, jobs, and people who affirm our intelligence, perceptions and self-worth and avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.    

13. We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have fun.    

14. We seek to find our inward calling, and develop the will and wisdom to follow it. 

15. We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

16. We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interdependent and interrelated with the living Earth, and seek to contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

                 ***********************************************

 There are two addictions clinics in Calgary, and hundreds across North America, which use these steps in their programme. What do you think? Is this programme something that might be useful to others in the Edmonton LGBT community, or yourself? Would this be something the Pride Centre might be interested in hosting?

   I would love your feed-back and responses, on whatever level you feel inspired to comment.

   As Buddhists in the Tibetan tradition say,   

   May you, and all beings, enjoy happiness and the root of happiness.

   concord53                                                          

When the power of love
overcomes the love of power,
the world will know peace.

- Jimi Hendrix